Today was a shitty day. I think part of it was leftover emotions from last week, and from having a grumpy morning. Some days I can get past that and others not so much. I can sometimes be passive aggressive in my communication. I don't mean to, I think it's a combination of protecting myself and not knowing how to say things that are hard to say. I can be like that in my work too.
In the studio I rarely know why I'm making what I'm making until I'm a ways into it. This is frustrating for a number of reasons. It can mean that I spend a lot of time working on a project that will never be what I want it to be and doesn't feel worth the time I spent. It can mean that I make early decisions that don't serve the end result that I want. It can mean that I'm never able to articulate why I've made what I've made. It can mean that I feel like I'm wasting time, when I have precious little time. It let's doubt creep in.
It's also the reason I keep making, the discoveries. If I already know exactly what I want to make and how to make it, I get bored and abandon ship. I don't like that I'm that way, but I have come to accept that I am. This is why each artists' studio structure is different, because we each have to figure out what stops or breaks us, and how to create processes that keep us engaged.
If we need to trick ourselves into it though, why do it at all?
That is a question for another day my friends.
Image by Ray Mack
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