Day thirty-five: Hope.

military boots and fireworks sculpture by Naufus Figueroa

It can sometimes seems like we are fighting through darkness. Everything ahead is uncertain, and everything around us feels somehow wrong. Everyone is telling us how to do things and we want to agree with them, but there's some illogical voice that screams NO! I'm in a place where I am hearing that voice again and I'm not sure what to do with it. It has been gifting me with some really shitty nightmares lately.  I have a great set up with my life right now. I am content. But there is something else that needs to happen and I don't know what it is.  I know some of what I'd like to change, but  I'm not sure how.  I want to move toward something. I can't name it, but I am searching.

I feel this way in the studio a lot too. I do a lot of experimentation and I have no idea what the end result will be. I work with wonky materials that don't dry the way I expect them to, paint ends up shiny that I didn't think was shiny, etc. One of the things that keep me going in all of this is hope.  I believe that things happen the way they need to, that when we set our intention, the universe moves in our favor to reach that intention. That may be a little stardust and rainbows, but I've always thought that and it has always happened.

The thing is, until recently, I haven't really asked or tried for the big things. I sat and waited for them to come, and I was patient for a really long time. And nothing happened. So, about a year I asked for one of the things I thought that I wanted. It has been messy and scary and one of the most wonderful aspects of my entire life to date. But it's also vague and nebulous and dangerous. Dangerous because that big thing is inspiring me to ask for another big thing that I'm not sure I'm ready for.

So, there's hope. Whoever is reading this, I'm sorry if it's not what you expected. It's not what I expected either. I'm just trying to be an artist and figure out what that means and how it affects everything else, which appears to be leading me to some weird places. Thank you for listening.